Monday, February 13, 2012

Breaking up the Holly Denham way...plus an e-voucher giveaway!

**Giveaway is now closed**

While Valentine's Day is mostly about love and romance, this may not apply to all of our readers. For some fun and laughs, we have Holly Denham here to share "Jason's Amazing Break Up Guide" from "Holly's Inbox: Scandal in the City." Entertainment Weekly called "Holly's Inbox" "The Next Bridget Jones!" If you like stories written in e-mail format, you'll definitely love Holly's books! Check out her website and visit her on Facebook and Twitter! As a special bonus, she has an e-voucher for a lucky reader anywhere in the world to purchase "Holly's Inbox" or "Holly's Inbox: Scandal in the City!"

From Holly
To Jason
That’s definitely not possible.
From Jason
To Holly
It is with:
JASON’S AMAZING BREAK UP GUIDE
Do you love your partner, but just can’t carry on?
Can’t think of hurting them – so want THEM to break up with YOU?
These simple steps will guarantee a guilt free break up.
(ps I’m starting it this week, if it goes well I might try and market it)


WEEK 1

Be smelly, the smellier the better. Make sure when he walks in that room that he wishes he had died – cheat if you have to, cat food is particularly repellent; keep an open sachet in your pocket
Be physically repulsive, from rotting teeth to a new horrifying taste in clothes. Put fake sweat patches under the arms, let your hair grow long and out of shape, don’t shave anywhere
Develop a taste for the unusual. Leave whips, chains and strange looking sexual contraptions everywhere. Begin wearing a dog lead at home and sometimes bark during sex
Take up the violin
WEEK 2

Giggle nervously when he’s around, stutter shake and dribble. Be waiting for him by the door, grinning. Keep tabs on him, ask where he is all the time, even when he’s with you. Explain it’s just because you love him so much
Be horrible to live with, wait until he’s in the bathroom before you run in there and use the toilet. Eat everything that doesn’t agree with your digestive system, burp, fart, leave your pants on the floor
Use the last of the household products without replacing them
Develop a hacking cough and put a spittoon by your bed
Take up the clarinet
WEEK 3

Play with matches a lot
Buy an air horn and press it regularly, buy bangers and explode them in the garden every Sunday afternoon
Find religion; begin quoting from the Bible during arguments. When you win an argument, pummel the air and scream 10 points for the Grrrrangers (or your surname)
Whenever he talks, slap your knees to an imaginary drum beat, wear your trousers up high to reveal odd socks, wear your pants on top of your trousers
Always wear odd socks
Exercise. Buy an exercise bike, work out at home, in spandex, in front of him, while he’s on the phone, watch him closely
Admire everyone else, tell him you wished you could only be as sexy as they are. Tell him every day you’re so lucky to be with him. Get caught sniffing his underwear
WEEK 4

Say ‘lovin it’ and ‘defo’ in every sentence.
Creep up on him and explode balloons behind his head regularly, then lie on the floor belly laughing afterwards
Accumulate a list of the oldest jokes ever, begin telling them when you’re at dinner parties. Repeat one in particular all the time
Leave black muck stains around the bath rim. Get caught sniffing his shoes
Walk dirt through the house
Puke in bed at night and pee yourself in the morning
Pick your teeth with your toe-nail clippings
WEEK 5

Freshen your socks by stretching them over the cold drinks cans in the fridge
Paint his portrait once a week, badly, and insist on hanging it in the gallery you’ve created in the hall, just of him
Get caught putting pins in a doll, keep petrol in canisters under the bed. When someone comes on the TV you like, pinch your nipples and growl
Rearrange everything in the cupboards in alphabetical order, and put labels on everything in the fridge which you’ve bought with MINE written on them
Spend the evenings polishing the doorknobs and scream in pain when he uses them without gloves. Sit around the house in rubber shorts.
MONDAY

Subject: Unknown
From UnknownAngel101@yahoo.co.uk
To Holly
And the Lord said “secrets are the undoing of the soul’

Special thanks to Holly for sharing this excerpt with us and for sharing an e-voucher for one of her novels with one of our lucky readers!
How to win an e-voucher for "Holly's Inbox" or "Holly's Inbox: Scandal in the City":
Just tell us what would be a deal breaker to you or cause you to break up with someone. Please include your e-mail address or a way to contact you if you should win. One entry per person.



Giveaway ends February 19th at midnight EST



23 comments:

Kim W. said...

Cheating!!!!!!!!! Hands down, a deal-breaker.

kewalker1972@gmail.com

Lisa said...

Definitely cheating! Once the trust is gone, nothing can save a relationship.

callcentergal88@gmail. com

btw I read Holly's Inbox and loved it, can't wait to read the sequel!

Lilian said...

I guess just the feeling of insecurity?
I havent been cheated on..so I can't say.

lilianxcheng AT gmail DOt com

Margaret said...

Being lied to. Honesty is the only way to build trust so even if it is a little white lie it is a seed planted and seeds can grow.

Margaret
singitm(at)hotmail(dot)com

Jilleen said...

Cheating - agree with Kim W - no if ands or buts about it.

seasidebooknook at yahoo dot com

Kristen said...

I agree with cheating, but also SMOKING is a deal breaker for me!

kly(dot)327(at)gmail.com

meandmom said...

Lying.

jeryl.marcus@gmail.com

John J. Shaw said...

Well working in a pharmacy I would have to say giving your partner a sexual disease.

karenk said...

cheating

karenk
kmkuka at yahoo dot com

Linda Kish said...

Cheating

lkish77123 at gmail dot com

faithspage said...

Cheating
kyfaithw at aol dot com

GoGreen said...

Someone who is abusive (verbally or physically) would be someone that I would show the door to ASAP.

sunnydaysrule(at)hotmail(dot)com

Hannah D said...

Someone who won't fight for you. Complacency is a deal breaker. If the relationship isn't worth fighting for then you don't need him.
hannahdavidson84@yahoo.com

Lisa said...

If I am not their number one priority, then it's over.

superteacher34 at yahoo dot com

StereoQueenBee said...

If things get in a serious rut and the person refuses to work on changing things...

queenofcrunk at gmail dot com

Holly Denham said...

Odd socks!!!
Ok, just joshing, it would be cheating for me too
xxx

BRN2SHOP9 said...

Cheating, lieing

I follow via Facebook, twitter and GFC

Brn2shop9 at gmail dot com

Bonnie Trachtenberg said...

Smoking!! Oh, and cheating too ;-)

kaewink said...

Cheating would definitly be the deal breaker! And lying would be pretty bad too!

kewinkler at gmail dot com

Janice said...

I could not date anyone who did not enjoy reading AND did not love and appreciate animals.

Tina said...

Cheating is the absolute most horrible! Makes you feel like you are nothing (been there, done that).

tina_avon@yahoo.com

kiki w said...

I would say cheating would be a deal breaker. Can't have a good relationship with out Trust.

Melissa said...

Random.org chose Margaret (singitm)! Congrats!