Chick Lit Cheerleader: Married to a Grinch

Introduction by Melissa Amster

We're glad to have Chick Lit Cheerleader Jen Tucker back with us today....for one last post. Yes, you heard that right. Starting next year, we're taking a different approach to columns and focusing within our team. This also affects our Go-to-Gay, who sends his love but has a whirlwind month going on. We're hoping to have them back for visits from time to time, so this isn't the end end. 

Jen has been with CLC since almost the beginning. I don't remember how she found our blog, but suddenly she was there and she had me cracking up in public from her first book, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out. Her first e-mail to me sparked a whole chain of e-mails that had nothing to do with books. She's just so funny and good-natured. A joy to be around. This made her an instant choice to be our guest columnist. We first met in person in 2014, when she still lived in Indiana and we were on our way to Chicago from DC. Then she came to DC in 2015 and we got to hang out again. Even when we didn't get to see each other for a while, we'd always stay in touch and keep each other up to date on the ups and downs of our lives. When I found out she was moving to my neck of the woods, I was beyond thrilled. Even though we are both busy, we find time to get together. Most recently, we met up at a high school production of Legally Blonde, with (some of) our family members in tow. While Jen was befriending me this whole time, she also befriended my older son. (Like an honorary cool aunt.) So when we met up at the show, I had decided to make it a surprise for him. And boy, was he surprised! (Of course, nothing compared to his reaction when he first found out she was moving out here.) I could think of a billion more reasons why I adore Jen so much and why I'm so fortunate to have her in my life. However, we know you have places to go, people to see, and gifts to wrap!

We hope you have enjoyed getting to know Jen these past seven or so years, both as an author and as a columnist. Her final column (we're not crying...YOU'RE crying) is sure to put you in a holiday mood!

Side note: Jen also connected us with Keith, our Go-to-Gay since 2016. She knows the best people!

Legally blonde...and brunette

Do You Hear What I Hear?

I love Christmas. Like, you don’t even understand love Christmas. The only hiccup is I married a Grinch. A man who thinks the commercialism of the holiday dampens the true meaning of the season. He wasn’t raised by Scrooges. Many a beautiful holiday I’ve spent with his family over the years. So, what’s the difference in our holiday attitudes? Perhaps it can be summed up by a bird.

My mother’s parents, June and Ernie, we’re magical grandparents. Gramma let me have a spoonful of sugar with just about everything. Grumps carried me around Kalamazoo, Michigan in his arms, on his shoulders and even piggyback until I was in third grade. Neighbors would tease, “Ernie, doesn’t that girl have any legs?” If Baby Bjorns were a thing back then, Grumps would’ve utilized that little helper until I could drive.

With the Grinch

My December memories with my grandparents run deep. Gramma lovingly sewed new pajamas for me every Christmas. The year I opened Donnie and Marie Dolls: holy purple socks, honey. The Christmas when Gnip Gnop battles were epic and cutthroat. The time my mom and her brother bought Gramma new dishes. She was so overcome, her tears kept her from opening the crate until later in the day. No matter the year, one thing remained constant. The bird who lived in my grandparents’ Christmas tree.

Christmas 1971

After the long drive from our home (I’d sleep the entire way from Naperville, Illinois—winning!), I’d run downstairs to see the tree. Twinkling lights. Heirloom ornaments. A few decorations made with love by me. Grumps always made me pause before that last step into the basement, close my eyes so there would be no peeking, and wait until I heard the sound. Suddenly, the bird call would instinctively jar my hands away from my eyes and I knew I could head towards the tree. Grumps would rib me that some crazy bird landed inside the faux conifer and he couldn’t get the deadbeat to leave. Every year, until they sold their home and downsized, this was our thing. I’d close my eyes and listen to the chirps and songs and sit with him in the tree’s warm glow. If I close my eyes, I can hear the bird whistles to this day.

I can’t tell you if it was an ornament or a sneaky sound system. Perhaps it was a legit freeloading bird. Magicians never reveal their secrets. I’ve never been attached to things; you can’t take them with you when you check out in this life. Yet if I could turn back time, I would beg and borrow to have that mystifying bird call thing-a-ma-jig to carry on the tradition with my children. It wasn’t the cornerstone of my early Christmases. It is what made the season bright and made my tiny-tot eyes glow. The magic of Christmas, friends.

I’m lucky enough to have inherited the Christmas stockings Gramma stitched with love, her desire to spend hours baking in the kitchen and I think her genuine heart of love and service for others in need. Gramps imparted to me his wit, memories of skipping stones across Lake Michigan and the reminder to get out and enjoy fresh air when life feels stale. Those are my true cornerstones. They come in handy when reminding Mike that this is the season of love and miracles. Reunification and forgiveness. Blessings and peace. And that even a heart like his—the most loving I’ve ever known—can grow three sizes on Christmas Day. I mean, if it happened to the Grinch…

Happiest of holidays to you and yours,
Jen

Christmas 2016

Christmas 2018

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of Salt. In September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at Twitter, Facebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.

Chick Lit Cheerleader: JenJen2 the M(ax)

Introduction by Melissa Amster

A few weeks ago, my family and I met up again with our Chick Lit Cheerleader and her fabulous husband. This time around, we introduced them to laser tag. Jen is here today to tell us all about her experience!


Tag, You’re It!

I have a life list. Others might call it a Bucket List. The idea of having a Bucket List gives me heart palpitations—for reals. Hurry up and do this stuff before you croak, because, why? It’s on your Bucket List and when you kick the bucket, there goes your list. Having a Life List is easier on my ears and psyche. If I have an opportunity to complete some of my to-dos while I’m on this side of the sod, awesome. If not? Bygones.

One of the coolest things about living in Merryland (or “Maryland” for those who wouldn’t want to live in “Merryland,” which is no one I know of), is living near those I hold near and dear. Melissa Amster, our fearless leader and my editor here at Chick Lit Central, lives a Maryland hop, skip and jump away from us. This means lots of occasions to do awesome things with Melissa and her family. Our latest adventure?

Laser tag.

With Melissa and her family

Wasn’t something on my Life List, radar, or top million things to do on a Sunday. But let me tell you. Add this adventure immediately to your conquered experiences! Do not pass go, do not collect $100, just do it right this hot second—trust me.

Choosing a laser assassin name was more challenging than I thought it would be. Thankfully, Melissa’s seventh grader, E, was on it and ready to help me select a dandy. E and I are buddies, book buddies, and ridiculous joke-telling buddies. This is because of his depth of maturity and my lack thereof. “You go by Jen-Jen, so I think you should be…” he highlighted his words in the air like Spielberg uses his hands to frame a scene, “Jen-Jen 2 the max!”

Anything with my name, a number like the cool kids use, and the word “max” was a winner. The hilarity came from seeing that only part of the word “max” made the game and scorecard: the letter M. This was not lost on me, or E, and we came up with variations.

Jen-Jen 2 the Mmm…
Jen-Jen 2 the Millionth Power
Jen-Jen 2 the Money
And so on.

I had no idea what to expect. Most of my experience with lasers stems from being a Star Trek nerd and watching the 1980s comedy classic Real Genius umpteen times. I didn’t beam anyone aboard the ship’s bridge and I definitely didn’t contribute to an enormous amount of Jiffy Pop exploding in anyone’s home. I had mad skills, though.

At hiding.

That’s right, while others lasered up the joint, I didn’t. And I finished top of the heap by crouching in the dark like a coward and I’m OK with that.

And if you look at my scorecard at the bottom of this post, you’ll notice that not only did this more cloak, not so much dagger strategy serve me well, I finished fourth. That’s right, number four, baby! Top Five, honey, but I didn’t place fifth. Take note of the name, YukYuk who came in at number five. That would be my beloved, Mike.

I. beat. him!

It doesn’t matter that my Hit Ratio was a paltry 3.83%. What matters is I finished way ahead of my husband (in my mind) and that in the battle of the White Walkers versus the Night King, I was the last to turn into an ice zombie, friends. Well, that and the fact that Melissa’s daughter, Little M, was sneaky enough to make her way behind Mike in the dark and unloaded her lasers on him until he wised up and she was discovered.

I had a blast. Doing something that wasn’t even a blip on my “fun” radar; not on my Life List. I imagined running around in the dark to be something I’d rather do while catching fireflies or taking in the moon at its fullest when beachside. One my dear friends tries to live her life with an open hand: be open to opportunities that come her way and not be quick to say, “Negative, Ghostrider. The pattern is full.” But to say, “Yes!” and grab those moments with an open mind and heart. Next time (I have to decimate my twenty-year-old when he visits later this summer), I’ll ensure whoever enters my moniker into the gaming computer squishes all the letters and solo number together. I’m destined to be JenJen2theMax. You know where I’ll be in the arena—hiding and winning, friends. Hiding and winning.

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of Salt. In September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at Twitter, Facebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.

Chick Lit Cheerleader: Snow in April

The header for this post is somewhat fitting, given what's been going on in the Midwest lately. However, our Chick Lit Cheerleader is here to talk about a different kind of snow. We'll let her do the honors...

Side note: Jen is not about to bite off someone's hand. She's just really excited about the return of Game of Thrones and her son's hand was photo-bombing.

You Know Everything, Jon Snow.

CLC READERS, THIS IS YOUR ONE AND ONLY GAME OF THRONES SPOILER ALERT!

     Dragons, medieval battles, and chamber pots aren’t really my thing. Ice zombies, a teen girl assassin, and witty royals who drink wine and they know things? I’ll bite. And drink to that.

  Game of Thrones, aired this past weekend. A series based upon the bestselling books penned by George R. R. Martin. Isn’t that a great name to have? With not one, but two middle initials? Jennifer L. L. Tucker doesn’t roll off the tongue in quite the same manner, I know.

  The final season premiere of HBO’s hit drama,

     Mike and I began watching GoT towards the end of season one. It was one of those, “You have to watch this new show!” quotes from friends that piqued our interest. FOMO is how we stumbled onto Breaking Bad. This same set of friends, years earlier, animatedly described how Mr. White and Jessie—a high school chemistry teacher and his subpar former student—were killing it as meth cooks and drug lords.   

     “But isn’t Game of Thrones just dragons, and jousting, and battlefield tents filled with complete dining room sets?” I sneered.  Although I was leery, my internal voice reminded me these friends didn’t let you down with the drug empire-building brother-in-law of a DEA agent show, so why would they start now?

     Luckily for us, Game of Thrones was immediately addicting. Over the past seven seasons, I’ve gleaned some insight on life along the way.

Jen with talent booking manager and friend, Sabrina Adams, at FOX59 Studios in Indianapolis, IN. Sabrina knew Jen was a huge fan of Game of Thrones and hooked her up with a signed rubber duck butt—yes, a rubber duck butt—from Hodor, actor Kristian Nairn. 

1.      Whoop It Up Everyday!

One day you’re living the dream in King’s Landing, engaged to the heir next in line for the Iron Throne, and your dad just happens to be BFFs with the ruler of Westeros. The next? The dude who’s carried a torch for your slain mom since childhood, gives you to a psychopath in marriage even though you’re already married. Sounds like a 1980s episode of The Young and The Restless, doesn’t it? Yet it’s just another day for poor Sansa Stark. Make each day count. Live life to it’s fullest. And even on your worst days, remember it could always be worse. You could be sequestered with Ramsay Bolton’s dogs, who haven’t eaten all week, and you smell like a mouthwatering, medium-rare pot roast.

2.      Who Runs the World? Girls!

Even in this bad-boy kingdom, the women are serious and not to be dismissed. Arya Stark is an assassin, ninja, badass! Brienne of Tarth, a sword fighter of legendary proportions who took down the Hound. Yara Greyjoy captains a fleet of swashbucklers from the Iron Islands. Melisandre might be a little intense with the whole burning people at the stake thing, but she did resurrect Jon Snow. So, she’s got that going for her, which is nice. Daenerys Targaryen was sold into marriage by her sniveling brother yet emerged a queen with armies, riches, and seriously adorable baby dragons. Cersei Lannister, you’re a woman who gets stuff done and I respect that. Not so much your methods (and the whole sleeping with your brother thing creeps me out) but you live your best-drunken life every day, dish out consequences, and always pay your debts. I can get behind that idea of making it work, honey. This is but a handful of countless examples of the power women who get it done in the realm. 

3.      I © Baby Dragons!

I do, I do, I DO!  Along with Medieval furnishings, the many wardrobe evolutions of Khaleesi, and—gulp—Jaime Lannister! What?! Sometimes, even detestable people and things we once turned our noses up at can become beloved. Like guacamole and talk radio; allegedly. Again, not so much of a fan of Jaime’s sister-love thing, or the Brandon Stark crane technique-kick out the castle window. But chew on this: without Bran’s fall, he may not have become the all-seeing, raven-man-boy he is today.

4.      You Know Everything, Jon Snow    

Jon Snow, I believe you do know everything unlike Ygritte claimed. You never compromise your loyalty. You believe in making peace when it’s unpopular. Although humble, you lead with confidence and bring out the best in everyone. More importantly, you never take no for an answer—you always find a way. You’ve got the best posse of bros, period! And you’re in it to win it for the greater good even if the result is your own death. See? You do know everything, Jon Snow. Okay, well you know almost everything except one critical piece of your genealogy. The rest of the world is dying for you to read your 23andMe results report.

     As we prepare to bid farewell to the series, there’s one other tiny detail I want to cover. While I’m fully aware Jon Snow is but a character played by actor Kit Harington, I implore you—Kit—grow back the beard. I’m with your wife on this one. I saw you all baby-faced on SNL; the shock and horror of it all! In the case of your facial hair removal, please grow it back immediately. Otherwise, you know nothing, Jon Snow. 

Bring back the beard! Bring back the beard! Bring back the beard!

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of Salt. In September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at Twitter, Facebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.

Chick Lit Cheerleader: Puppy love

We welcome our Chick Lit Cheerleader back today to bring us some Valentine's themed laughs. This time, she's involving her dogs and anything goes!

We'll let Jen take it from here...


To All the Dogs I’ve Loved Before

Welcome to February. The shortest month of the year that feels like it lasts an entire year, right? Nothing much happens in February. That is, unless, you love the Super Bowl, Punxsutawney Phil and chubby little cherubs haphazardly assaulting unsuspecting people with arrows. I love all three of those things, so this is the month for me! Love is in the air. Love to love you, baby. Muskrat love. Puppy love. You name it and I’m a sucker for it. Especially puppy love.

I can’t get enough of baby dogs. Tiny paws. Chunky bellies. Puppy breath. Saggy skin. They putter around and flop about like the after effects of a martini binger. Pee-pot fur balls of love with sharp baby teeth that leave a mark. What’s not to love?

Mike and I both grew up with dogs in our respective homes. For him, a Boxer, named Chuck, who promptly waited for Mike’s return to the bus stop Monday through Friday. I lived with a Lhasa Apso, named Jin Jin, who I tortured by dressing in baby clothes while my best friend fed her pads of butter. As soon as we purchased our first home, Mike and I wanted to fill it with the pitter patter of four little feet. Our agreed upon baby-buffer was an eight-month-old Golden Retriever. Although, I’m not sure Theo was much of a maternal intermediary. I was eight-weeks pregnant with our oldest when we brought him home.

Theo

Theo, definitely more red than golden in color, joined our home in December of 1995. He was instantly my boy. He’d bark up a storm any time Mike sat next to me on the couch or gave me a kiss. Thank God I was already pregnant when Theo came home because that definitely wasn’t going to happen on my dog’s watch. Theo lost his canine mind when Mike only held my hand. So, you get it. He was the jealous type.

A few months later, for Valentine’s Day, Mike bought me a beautiful pair of gold hoop earrings. Not quite doorknocker-sized. Not similar to elbow macaroni. Like Baby Bear’s porridge, my earrings were just right. Not only did I hormonally sob when I opened the gift box, I ugly cried. This gift was a financial stretch for us. New home. New baby coming. Tiny-dog nation invasion. These are not most budget-friendly circumstances. I was moved. This token meant so much.

The following day, I wore my new earrings to work. They didn’t leave my ears until I crashed on the couch that evening. Three months pregnant and plagued with night sickness, I pretty much became one with our sofa every evening. Mike worked Thursday nights, so it was just the baby, baby Theo, and me. Fighting the urge to lose my shortbread cookies, I took off the hoops and dropped them on the end table. My eyes fluttered as I tried to sleep. Theo was bounding about, prancing and leaping. “Theo, shhh…” I instructed. “Mommy need sleepy!” With eyes closed, I continued to hear him have a heyday. A glimmer caught my eye as he flung something shiny into the air then proudly pranced as he retrieved it. Good, he’s occupied, I thought. Where the heck did he get a piece of tinfoil from?

And then it hit me.

My earrings. My earrings!

That mutt shoplifted my gold hoops! Theo was flinging them into the air then chomping on them. “What did you do?” I demanded as he proudly cocked his head and panted. On the carpet laid my earrings, less than 24-hours old, flecked with countless baby teeth punctures. “You are a bad, bad dog!” I screamed. “I only wore these once! How could you do this?!” Theo barked as I snatched my earrings off the floor and sobbed. No mercy. No remorse. Just a puppy who was pissed I took his pretty shiny things away.

And that, my friends, was the first of many things my four-legged children have demolished over the years. All our dogs have, in some fashion, matched or trumped Theo’s Valentine’s Day jewelry massacre. Henry ate not one, but two bags of Halloween Reese’s peanut butter cups; foil and all. Jack, God rest his soul, loved to eat the eyeballs off Webkinz stuffed animals. None of these incidents were funny then, but totally knee-slapper stories now. No matter what they devoured, where they inappropriately pooped, or the science fair projects they destroyed I loved them all. And I never again left my jewelry on the end table. First time shame on you…you know the rest.

With Jack and Henry

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of Salt. In September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at Twitter, Facebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.

Chick Lit Cheerleader: What a year!

Introduction by Melissa Amster

One of the things that made me really happy in 2018 was that our Chick Lit Cheerleader, Jen Tucker, moved to my neck of the woods. We're now an hour away as opposed to 11 hours away! We got together last week with our families for a fun afternoon of bowling and Chinese food. What more could two chick lit lovers ask for?!? I hope that we will get together many more times in 2019 and beyond... Next time, we'll be hanging out in "The Jam." (Jen knows what that means.)

Jen is here today to tell us what made her happy this year. 


Where in the world did 2018 go? Anyone? Bueller?

It’s so true that as my years fly by they’re travelling at warp speed. Yet the irony is that I really don’t want time to slow down. I love my memories and experiences, and I also like where life has me right now. The bumps and bruises, the highs and lows, and even the praises and preposterous markers we encounter in life make us who we are at this very moment. Plus, I don’t have the skills or technology to turn back time, so I’d rather focus on the sweetness than the suck-y-ness on any given day.

Here’s my short but sweet list of getting happy in 2018. Please, hold your applause until the end…


Jen’s Top 5 Happy Moments of 2018
(These are in no particular order…as far as you know)

1. My jeans from last year still fit after a long Maryland summer in shorts! Can I get a hallelujah?!
2. Mike, my beloved, and I re-binged the series Breaking Bad and it had a different ending. At the end, everyone lived happily ever after and Marie broke up with the color purple, replacing it with pink shades of “blush” and “bashful.” No—wait—that’s Steel Magnolias. Never mind.
3. I have discovered that gin doesn’t taste like Pine-Sol when combined with the correct ratio of tonic water and a squeeze of lime. This was life changing, friends. And it took me twenty-five years of being married to a bartender to find this truth. Things that make you go hmmmmm.
4. Three months is the longest Mike and I have been separated from our nineteen-year-old college sophomore, Ryan, since he entered our lives. I burst into tears as Ryan and I embraced amongst Thanksgiving travelers in the baggage claim area at BWI airport. His visit was short, yet so very sweet. And now he’s home for Christmas. He packed only a duffle bag containing, mostly, his PlayStation 4 paraphernalia. This is how college men pack for three weeks at home. God, I love that guy.
5. I’ve happily learned I’m not too old for adventure. Like moving to the east coast with four-fifths of Team Tucker. Most mornings, I awake to deer foraging in our backyard and that doesn’t suck. I only live a short road-trip from so many friends that were once too far away to see often. That my Midwestern crew, who are now father in distance, are but a quick text or inappropriate meme away. This is the truth that sticks with me: no matter where you go in this world, your love for others goes with you.

On behalf of the entire CLC family, I want to wish you and yours only the best in 2019. May peace and joy surround you and your loved ones.

XOXO,
Jen

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of Salt. In September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at Twitter, Facebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.

Go-to-Gay AND Chick Lit Cheerleader: A Disney-fied District

Thought you saw the last of Jen and Keith in October? Think again! They're back today to participate in our Disney and Fairy Tales theme. Their topic is current and very clever. We'll let them take it from here....

If We Could Elect the Heroes We Want

Jen: This month the election cycle dominated our lives, and now that it is over, Keith and I would like to add our two cents worth. Inevitably, some of your candidates won and some lost, but we are on the ticket here at CLC, and bringing you our wish list of DISNEY characters we’d love to see in office. I know many of you wish the election cycle was over...that was so silly of you because when you wish upon a star… (NOTE: Be prepared to break into random song throughout the entire read).

I named my pick for POTUS, Veep and thought I’d throw in a couple of other Washington D.C. jobs too. Keith picked out some prime characters for some other cabinet positions. If this goes well, Melissa might let me pick my dream Love Boat crew! And they’d all whistle while they worked. But I digress… If Keith and I were to fill every political position available, we’d be here all day like a hanging chad wishing for someone to put us out of our dangling misery. Why? Because we like you…and you have holiday things nipping at your heels to attend to so let’s get on with the show!

Picture from Disney Wiki

J: For President, I have to go with Mufasa from The Lion King. Friends, we’d hear James Earl Jones’ voice all the time. All. The. Time! I could listen to him command a room and make proclamations from the rising to the setting of the sun in my circle of life. That booming baritone. The powerful tenor and spot on diction. Just saying the name “Mufasa” should be enough to earn this character 100% of the popular vote. James Earl Jones was meant to voice the leader of the free world.

Picture from Disney Wiki

J: My pick for Vice President is none other than Genie. We need him to balance out Mufasa as President. The serious and the satirical. Can you imagine the Laurel and Hardy comedy routine? Genie makes things happen. He gets down to the business of decision making by simply following directions. Three wishes? You’ve got it! If you’re nodding off in one of Vice President Genie’s meetings or while attending one of his public appearances, then that’s your own fault! You’d have to be on your toes because you’d never know if John Wayne or Jack Nicholson were about to make a sudden impressionable appearance. Genie on the ticket in 2020!

Picture from Disney Wiki

J: As long as we’re pretending Disney characters are running the government, this next choice seems logical if not superior. Maximus, the glinty-eyed steed from Tangled is my pick to head the Department of Defense. This is the horse you want on your side in dark alleys! Maximus is all that and a bag of oats—he follows orders better than any four-legged creature I’ve ever owned and can track down a fugitive like Walker, Texas Ranger. My golden retrievers can’t find their own tennis balls in daylight, but this horse has mad skills. He also knows when it’s time to be reasonable, shake hooves, and play nice. Yes, he sucker-punched Flynn right in the kidney when Rapunzel wasn’t looking but you and I both know Flynn is not Mr. Innocent either. And this horse can sword fight! I mean, c’mon people! Mr. Ed could learn a thing or two about diplomacy and swashbuckling from this horse.

Picture from Disney Wiki

J: Secretary of Education. Maleficent. No kid would skip school ever. EVER!
K: But, NEVER accept an apple from her.

Picture from Disney Wiki

K: Attorney General. Woody. Come on. Who else would be 100% honest and after nothing but the truth all the time? Woody would never let us down, and would always fight for equality for all. Plus, he could start all his meetings by saying, “There is a new sheriff in town.”

Picture from Disney Wiki

K: Secretary of State. Ursula, the Sea Witch. Oh sure, she is a “villain,” but she is my all-time favorite villain, so she must be on the list. Plus, the Secretary of State negotiates lots of diplomatic deals, and Ursula negotiated for Ariel’s VOICE, people. She gave up her VOICE to the woman. Ursula has skills that need to be used with Russia and Iran.

Picture from Disney.com

K: Supreme Court Justice. Elsa. OK, a spot isn’t exactly open on the Court right now, but eventually one will be available. Who better than a young, independent woman to lead us in to the next decade?

What do you think? How did we do? Who else would you like to see working in Washington, instead of at Disney Studios?

Keith Stewart is the author of Bernadette Peters Hates Me – True Tales of a Delusional Man. A native of Appalachia, he splits his time between his hometown of Hyden and nearby Lexington, Kentucky. His blog is www.astrongmanscupoftea.com. You can find him on Twitter at @Shiglyogly and Facebook at @AMSCOT (A Strong Man’s Cup of Tea). He is a regular contributor to HumorOutcasts.com and the GoodMenProject.com. He lives with his husband, Andy, and their two dogs, Duke and Dudley.

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of Salt. In September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at Twitter, Facebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.

Go-to-Gay AND Chick Lit Cheerleader: Spicing up your fall

Jen and Keith are back today for a "he said, she said" of epic proportions. They have quite a controversial topic to discuss, so brace yourselves for the biggest debate of the season...whether to use pumpkin spice or not! Even if this doesn't answer your burning questions or you haven't changed your mind about it one way or the other, Jen and Keith will definitely make you laugh!

Pumpkin Spice – Love it or Leave it?

Jen Tucker: When Melissa asked Keith and I to combine our Wonder Twin power rings for this month’s column, we kicked around two very different ideas. It’s been a difficult time for so many, friends. As humor writers, Keith and I attempt to look for silver linings and hilarity (usually at our own expense) in formidable situations. Our first idea was just that: to enlist some of our favorite humorists to share with all of us what they do to keep humor alive in tough times. Would we offend? Too soon? Too much? Much needed? We weren’t sure and that’s why we decided to go with idea behind curtain number two, because we both strongly believed we should do what we do best right now—make people laugh.

Keith Stewart: SO, I have been a total and complete slacker this month, not that it is different from any other month, except now instead of keeping only Melissa waiting for my work, our cheerleader Jen has been waiting for me, too! Thankfully, Jen carries me when I refuse to sit and write until two weeks after the deadline.

So, without further ado, here’s our seasonal and timely contribution…

Pumpkin Spice – Love it or Leave it?

What Should Always be Pumpkin Spice & What Should Never Be

Jen’s Never List

      *Astronauts—I don’t want aliens thinking we all smell like the fall foliage brooms for sale at Cracker Barrel. (Keith: I agree. Although I am not sure what astronauts should smell like. Old Spice for men? Patchouli for women?)
*Laundry Detergent—I like to smell like sterile bleach or April fresh on laundry day. (Keith: Again, I agree. Nothing beats Tide or Gain. All day, every day.)
*Gasoline—Just no… (Keith: I could sort of go for scented gas. Maybe.)
*The Property Brothers—I want Drew and Jonathan to smell like work site handymen who make the world a better place with their charm and overall handsomeness. (Keith: I would take the Property Brothers however they smelled.)
*Scotch Tape—If only Scotch tape smelled like scotch. Or tequila. Or just Happy Hour in general. (Keith: Seasonally flavored office supplies would not offend me.)   
*Odor Eaters—Gross! (Keith: Agree. I don’t think sweaty feet and PS would mix well, which also makes me rethink the astronauts.)
*Toilet Paper—I can get behind Poo-Pourri but not the Squatty Potty. (Keith: Agree. Nothing scented needs to go there. However, I am the proud owner of a Squatty Potty.)
*Drew Brees’ Pass Record Jersey (BOILER UP!)—Drew, a fellow descendant from my Cradle of Quarterback alma mater, and his professional wardrobe should just smell like good clean fun. (Keith: I don’t know what this means. I don’t keep up with the foosball.) [Jen rolls her eyes and means it with love.]
*Chalk—Hello, pica is real, so let’s not entice our brothers and sisters to stumble by scenting it!) (Keith: I would sort of like to see this just to see kids down on the ground sniffing the sidewalk. Obvious I don’t have kids?)
*Couch Cushions—Have you seen My Strange Addiction? Please see above. (Keith: Agree. Couch cushions already have it rough, no need making it seasonally rougher.)
*Polaroid Pictures—Can you imagine the mob that would ensue by waving your developing photo in the air? They’ll come for you, Keith. (Keith: Is this still a thing? Jen, are you still taking Polaroid pictures? I bet your phone has a camera. Check it out.) Keith, I am so disappointed, but I love you anyway…

Jen’s Always List

Pumpkin Pie – the end! I mean this with love, but I don’t get the enthusiasm for spicing things up pumpkin style. What do pumpkin spice coffee addicts do in the off-season? Do they score it in dark alleys instead of showing up to Easter egg hunts and Passover dinner? (Keith: Jennifer Marie Elizabeth Marsha Tucker! I AM APPALLED! SO much more needs added to this list!)

Keith: Since Jen covered the Never list so well, I am sticking to the ALWAYS list.

Keith’s Always Pumpkin Spice List

*Coffee—call me a basic white girl if you want, but that sweet nectar calls my name. I love it and think coffee should be this flavor all the time (except for the Holidays when mocha peppermint comes out). [Jen: Don’t drink coffee, I drink tea, my dear. Me and Sting that is, but not together. Although that would be so fetch!]
*Hand Soap—I enjoy having my hands smell nice and seasonally pleasing. (Jen: Dial antibacterial 24/7, otherwise, how do you really know you’ve killed 99.9% of germs?)
*Lotion—see hand soap above. (Jen: OK, you got me. As long as the lotion isn’t an all-day scent because it would ruin chowing down a good hamburger.)
*Car Air Fresheners (Jen: I just can’t even…)
*Stamps—scratch and sniff stamps are needed. (Jen: I, like, totally collected smelly stickers in the 1980s!)
*Kale—I may eat the dang stuff then. (Jen: This is the part where I invite Keith to dinner and pumpkin spice the snot out of his kale salad!)
*Actual Pumpkins—have you smelled a raw pumpkin? It’s bad, people. Bad. (Jen: I concur!)

So, what do you think? Agree with Jen or Keith? What else do you think should always or never been Pumpkin Spice? Let us know in the comments.

Have a great Halloween and Fall! And take Keith’s advice, have a PS Latte, pronto!

Keith Stewart is the author of Bernadette Peters Hates Me – True Tales of a Delusional Man. A native of Appalachia, he splits his time between his hometown of Hyden and nearby Lexington, Kentucky. His blog is www.astrongmanscupoftea.com. You can find him on Twitter at @Shiglyogly and Facebook at @AMSCOT (A Strong Man’s Cup of Tea). He is a regular contributor to HumorOutcasts.com and the GoodMenProject.com. He lives with his husband, Andy, and their two dogs, Duke and Dudley.

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of Salt. In September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at Twitter, Facebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.