Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Go-to-Gay AND Chick Lit Cheerleader: Spicing up your fall

Jen and Keith are back today for a "he said, she said" of epic proportions. They have quite a controversial topic to discuss, so brace yourselves for the biggest debate of the season...whether to use pumpkin spice or not! Even if this doesn't answer your burning questions or you haven't changed your mind about it one way or the other, Jen and Keith will definitely make you laugh!

Pumpkin Spice – Love it or Leave it?

Jen Tucker: When Melissa asked Keith and I to combine our Wonder Twin power rings for this month’s column, we kicked around two very different ideas. It’s been a difficult time for so many, friends. As humor writers, Keith and I attempt to look for silver linings and hilarity (usually at our own expense) in formidable situations. Our first idea was just that: to enlist some of our favorite humorists to share with all of us what they do to keep humor alive in tough times. Would we offend? Too soon? Too much? Much needed? We weren’t sure and that’s why we decided to go with idea behind curtain number two, because we both strongly believed we should do what we do best right now—make people laugh.

Keith Stewart: SO, I have been a total and complete slacker this month, not that it is different from any other month, except now instead of keeping only Melissa waiting for my work, our cheerleader Jen has been waiting for me, too! Thankfully, Jen carries me when I refuse to sit and write until two weeks after the deadline.

So, without further ado, here’s our seasonal and timely contribution…

Pumpkin Spice – Love it or Leave it?
What Should Always be Pumpkin Spice & What Should Never Be

Jen’s Never List
      *Astronauts—I don’t want aliens thinking we all smell like the fall foliage brooms for sale at Cracker Barrel. (Keith: I agree. Although I am not sure what astronauts should smell like. Old Spice for men? Patchouli for women?)
*Laundry Detergent—I like to smell like sterile bleach or April fresh on laundry day. (Keith: Again, I agree. Nothing beats Tide or Gain. All day, every day.)
*Gasoline—Just no… (Keith: I could sort of go for scented gas. Maybe.)
*The Property Brothers—I want Drew and Jonathan to smell like work site handymen who make the world a better place with their charm and overall handsomeness. (Keith: I would take the Property Brothers however they smelled.)
*Scotch Tape—If only Scotch tape smelled like scotch. Or tequila. Or just Happy Hour in general. (Keith: Seasonally flavored office supplies would not offend me.)   
*Odor Eaters—Gross! (Keith: Agree. I don’t think sweaty feet and PS would mix well, which also makes me rethink the astronauts.)
*Toilet Paper—I can get behind Poo-Pourri but not the Squatty Potty. (Keith: Agree. Nothing scented needs to go there. However, I am the proud owner of a Squatty Potty.)
*Drew Brees’ Pass Record Jersey (BOILER UP!)—Drew, a fellow descendant from my Cradle of Quarterback alma mater, and his professional wardrobe should just smell like good clean fun. (Keith: I don’t know what this means. I don’t keep up with the foosball.) [Jen rolls her eyes and means it with love.]
*Chalk—Hello, pica is real, so let’s not entice our brothers and sisters to stumble by scenting it!) (Keith: I would sort of like to see this just to see kids down on the ground sniffing the sidewalk. Obvious I don’t have kids?)
*Couch Cushions—Have you seen My Strange Addiction? Please see above. (Keith: Agree. Couch cushions already have it rough, no need making it seasonally rougher.)
*Polaroid Pictures—Can you imagine the mob that would ensue by waving your developing photo in the air? They’ll come for you, Keith. (Keith: Is this still a thing? Jen, are you still taking Polaroid pictures? I bet your phone has a camera. Check it out.) Keith, I am so disappointed, but I love you anyway…

Jen’s Always List

Pumpkin Pie – the end! I mean this with love, but I don’t get the enthusiasm for spicing things up pumpkin style. What do pumpkin spice coffee addicts do in the off-season? Do they score it in dark alleys instead of showing up to Easter egg hunts and Passover dinner? (Keith: Jennifer Marie Elizabeth Marsha Tucker! I AM APPALLED! SO much more needs added to this list!)

Keith: Since Jen covered the Never list so well, I am sticking to the ALWAYS list.

Keith’s Always Pumpkin Spice List

*Coffee—call me a basic white girl if you want, but that sweet nectar calls my name. I love it and think coffee should be this flavor all the time (except for the Holidays when mocha peppermint comes out). [Jen: Don’t drink coffee, I drink tea, my dear. Me and Sting that is, but not together. Although that would be so fetch!]
*Hand Soap—I enjoy having my hands smell nice and seasonally pleasing. (Jen: Dial antibacterial 24/7, otherwise, how do you really know you’ve killed 99.9% of germs?)
*Lotion—see hand soap above. (Jen: OK, you got me. As long as the lotion isn’t an all-day scent because it would ruin chowing down a good hamburger.)
*Car Air Fresheners (Jen: I just can’t even…)
*Stamps—scratch and sniff stamps are needed. (Jen: I, like, totally collected smelly stickers in the 1980s!)
*Kale—I may eat the dang stuff then. (Jen: This is the part where I invite Keith to dinner and pumpkin spice the snot out of his kale salad!)
*Actual Pumpkins—have you smelled a raw pumpkin? It’s bad, people. Bad. (Jen: I concur!)

So, what do you think? Agree with Jen or Keith? What else do you think should always or never been Pumpkin Spice? Let us know in the comments.

Have a great Halloween and Fall! And take Keith’s advice, have a PS Latte, pronto!

Keith Stewart is the author of Bernadette Peters Hates Me – True Tales of a Delusional Man. A native of Appalachia, he splits his time between his hometown of Hyden and nearby Lexington, Kentucky. His blog is You can find him on Twitter at @Shiglyogly and Facebook at @AMSCOT (A Strong Man’s Cup of Tea). He is a regular contributor to and the He lives with his husband, Andy, and their two dogs, Duke and Dudley.

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of SaltIn September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at TwitterFacebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.


Janine said...

I have been moody for weeks and y'all just totally made me laugh. For the record, I'm not big on pumpkin spice flavoring in everything (except for pies and breads), but I love the scent.

Keith S. said...

Glad you had some laughs, Janine! I like pretty much anything pumpkin spice!