Thursday, April 21, 2011

Guy Week Part 2: Guest post from Phil Torcivia and Book Giveaway

**Giveaway is now closed**

The next author who has joined us for Guy Week is Phil Torcivia! He is well known for his "Nice Guy" books, the first being "Such a Nice Guy." His latest book, "Just a Nice Guy," is scheduled to be released this month. Phil is a divorcee from Pennsylvania, who now lives in Southern California with his feline companions, Syd and Symon. He loves going to bars and watching the bizarre mating rituals of the locals, which he translates into humorous essays. He has been single long enough to be involved in a few train-wrecks of his own, admitting that he's "one relationship disaster away from a third cat."

Phil has come to talk to us today about the guy's view of a break-up. Plus, he has three signed copies of "Nice Meeting You" (released October 2010) to give to some lucky readers in the US.

If you like what you've read here, follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

SPLITSVILLE

The breakup process is distinct between genders. Men are lazy and want to finish the task as quickly as possible so they can move on to the next opportunity for sex. Women, however, need closure. It takes time to flush the oxytocin from their systems.

I’ll take a pass/fail over a letter or number grade any day. If it’s bad news, I don’t want to hear it. I want to make up my own reasons why I was left at the curb. Give me back my T-shirt and let me believe you’re breaking up with me because all the sex you want to have with me is detracting from your daily obligations and giving you a noticeable limp.

My biggest concern during a breakup: Is she going to cry?

If tears start a-flowing, I’m in deep trouble. I’d rather have her swear at me and throw china. If we’re out in public—don’t ever break up with a woman in public, you idiot—and her face starts leaking, it’s more embarrassing than eating a banana while shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch. Every man that sees her cry wants to beat me and rescue my woman. Every woman that sees her cry instantly places me on the Chris Brown Memorial Entry Forbidden list.

When I’m dumped, I try to spin it into something positive, expected, or insignificant.

“Hey. You’re a nice guy, but I don’t think this is working out.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t feel like we’re connecting the way we should be. You know?”

“Oh, definitely. Yep. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Nothing personal. You’re great.”

“How long have you felt this way?”

“Um, probably about as long as you have.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“Don’t you think it’s best to be honest?”

“All right, look, I was hoping things would progress. Oh, well. It happens.”

“OK, whatever. We’re going to be seeing each other out, so I don’t want it to be weird.”

“Totally. It won’t be weird. We should remain friends. You’re a cool chick.”

“So, we’re good then?”

“Of course. Hey, do you want to come over and watch a movie?”

“…”

“Or not. There’s this other woman I wanted to date anyway.”

“Who?”

“Oh, nobody you know. So, it’s cool now. You won’t feel weird when you see us out, right?”

“Well, don’t make a point of having PDA with her around me. That would be weird.”

“Why? Would it make you jealous?”

“No. It would just be awkward because other people there know us and have seen us together.”

“All right. I can wait until you’re over me. Do you think a year is long enough?”

“It’s not that I’m not over you.”

“Yes, it is. That’s OK. You don’t have to admit it. I understand.”

“Fine. Whatever. Just please don’t make a scene.”

“I would never. We’re cool. Hey, let’s do some celebratory shots. Want to?”

“…”

“You so want to have closure sex with me right now.”

“Is that what you’re sensing?”

“It’s natural. Don’t be embarrassed.”

“Like I said, we don’t connect the way we should. Goodbye.”

“Hey, why are you walking away? Honey? Baby? Um. OK, fine. Whatever. I’m over you already.”

It’s tempting to make use of modern technology for breakups. Email, chat, and text messaging are cowardly means, perfect for cowards like me. Ouch, the e-dump. I’m not proud to admit I’ve done them all. I’ve also received my share, so it’s even.

Here are some creative methods for future consideration:

Skywriting – “My crotch is under new ownership, now open for business.”
Scoreboard Announcement – “Adopt this fellow. His shots are current.”
Bar Napkin – “I hate your a--. Please go away.”
Paid Search Ad – “Stop Googling yourself. You’re stupid and now you’re single too.”
Obituary – “Our relationship died because he can’t control his f-stick.”
Rap Lyrics – “Yo shawty, you be whack. Now bounce and gimme my sheeyit back.”
Sign Language – “Middle finger extended on left hand while right hand waves bye-bye.”
Barista – Have your favorite Starbucks clerk write the following on his Venti cup: “Your girlfriend is sick of your crap, and will henceforth be referred to as your ex-girlfriend.”
Coupon – “Get out of one relationship free.”
Bulletin Board at Work – “She screwed me in conference room B and now I’m screwed. Sorry about the stains.”


Thanks to Phil for humorously teaching us how to handle a break-up and for giving copies of his book away through CLC. Thanks also to Kathryn Hamilton for connecting us with Phil in the first place and giving us the idea for his blog topic . :)


How to win "Nice Meeting You":
Please comment below with your e-mail address.
(Please note: Entries without an e-mail address will NOT be counted. You can use AT and DOT to avoid spam. Or provide a link to your facebook page or blog if you can receive messages there.)

Bonus entries (can be listed all in one post):
1. Please tell us: What is the strangest way you've broken up with someone (or vice versa)?
2. Follow this blog and post a comment saying you are a follower (if you already follow, that's fine too).
3. Post this contest on Facebook or Twitter or in your blog, and leave a comment saying where you've posted it.
4. Join Chick Lit Central on Facebook. (If you're already a member, let us know that too.)

US only. Giveaway ends April 26th at midnight EST


More by Phil Torcivia:

19 comments:

Madison said...

GFC follower... mh_stitchesoflove@yahoo.com

:)

Anonymous said...

otkeri at comcast dot net
already a follower
can't think of a strange way I dumped/why I was dumped...sorry!
does a lame excuse count? "we are better as friends"?

Carol Rachel said...

Funny!
www.facebook.com/people/Carol-Rachel-Shore/1383507982
Already a member

Sherry B said...

I'm a follower
slbercu@msn.com

Kat said...

I don't qualify for this one but just wanted to say thanks for the shout-out :)

Tracey said...

Text message. Wasn't strange, but definitely a first.

tracey AT froggieknitslikecrazyDOTcom

❤Stephanie said...

I'd love to read Phil's book -- looks like a good one! :)

Stephanie
thestephanieloves[at]gmail[dot]com

❤Stephanie said...

I try to be really straightforward about dumping guys just so they get a clear message, but once a guy broke up with me by just stopping all contact. He avoided me, never called, texted, emailed...and that was that. It was a little confusing but I figured we were over. lol.

I follow on GFC!

Stephanie
thestephanieloves[at]gmail[dot]com

Tracey said...

Tweeted!

tracey AT froggieknitslikecrazyDOTcom

Tracey said...

I'm a follower of the blog!

tracey AT froggieknitslikecrazyDOTcom

Tracey said...

I'm a follower on facebook!

tracey AT froggieknitsliekcrazyDOTcom

Nancye said...

This sounds like a great book! Thanks for the chance!!

nancyecdavis AT bellsouth DOT net

Nancye said...

I haven't really broken up with a guy in any strange ways. I either broke up with them in person by just telling him, or did it the lame way by writing him a letter.

nancyecdavis AT bellsouth DOT net

Nancye said...

GFC Follower

nancyecdavis AT bellsouth DOT net

Nancye said...

Tweet! Tweet!
@NancyeDavis

http://twitter.com/#!/NancyeDavis/status/63006512653680640

nancyecdavis AT bellsouth DOT net

Nancye said...

I joined you on FB

nancyecdavis AT bellsouth DOT net

Linda Kish said...

I would love to read this book.

lkish77123 at gmail dot com

Linda Kish said...

I am a GFC follower

lkish77123 at gmail dot com

Phil said...

Thank you, readers and Melissa! I appreciate your sense of humor. If we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at? Jersey Shore isn't on year-round.

Phil